Recovering Control Freak... Try To At Least Mask Your Surprise.

God has been teaching me a lot lately and bringing to the surface some things to reflect on and change in my life. One of my favorite sermons from Pastor Wade was on how God purifies us through discipline and refines us similar to how gold is refined-- it's boiled so that all the impurities rise to the surface, and then that layer is scraped off and the gold is boiled again until there is nothing to more scrape off: pure gold. (I think this is the same sermon that Pastor talked about a how you can only see when a diamond purely when it's laid across a dark/black background and that stuck with me too. Then again, maybe I only have jewelry on my mind...)

Well, over the past months-- almost a year now, one issue has repeatedly come to the surface that I am losing the battle over. Yes, it's true-- I am losing Control. I have grown from a worried child, to a rules-based teen, to a control-freak adult. And I don't confess this lightly because... your response is completely out-of-my control.

In my early twenties, I was so afraid for life to happen-- for the even the highs (and the crashes after) and especially the lows. So I crave complacency and the mundane. In that way, I could could squelch hope and avoid disappointment. I lived there for years. That is, until my decision to move to Redding put my life on a course unlike the "simple life" I thought I was getting. I know I've said this before, but my life here has been the hardest, the richest, and the spiciest. I know what you are saying. "Tawny. You're in RED-DING. How spicy can it be?" I don't mean it's spicy with adventure, it's spicy with moving forward in a life unknown, knowing that control is not even remotely in my grasp. And so I pray-- pray so that the big picture is changed even when I don't see it with my own eyes. Pray that those I love and cherish make their decisions in a healthy manner because the only life I can live is my own.

This has not been an easy journey. I came to Redding a closed-off girl and started living with Cathy, who is one of the most godly women I know (and I know a lot of you!), who modeled for me that though we can't control, we can pray. I thank God regularly for her. It was going to church with Cathy here at Neighborhood church that I heard a sermon on forbearance and long-suffering, and it dawned on me all that times that I never gave room for the Lord to work in situations because I decided to get in His way.

I just found the sermon online! it was a GREAT one with a different spin on the Martha/Mary story ("Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." - Luke 10:41-42). This is the definition the pastor gave us: "Long-suffering: a long fuse. You don't get exasperated by every little thing. You don't store up anger and then blow. You have a long fuse-- a long patience." I have to work every moment at this, but it's something I hope the Lord refines in me.

You can watch the whole amazing sermon here:

http://www.ncredding.com/Media_page1.php

It's under "War of the Worlds" section, a third of the way down:

The Christian's Character - Sunday, September 28, 2008

There is much that I can't control, but what I can control needs guidance from Someone bigger than myself. Jesus take the wheel. See? Even Carrie Underwood knows a little about this topic.