Etch-A-Sketches

**Lord you have my heart. And I will search for yours. Jesus take my life and lead me on.** 

Santa (or Mom) must have been really busy after the holiday season because I didn't get these precious photos until a couple of days ago. Still, I cherished every one of them because seeing Christmas through the eyes of a kid is the best thing and seeing Christmas through the eyes of these kids in particular is nothing short of amazing.

The more pink that enters that house, the happier I am.

This is my favorite photo for so many reasons. Tommy acting like he knows what he is reading. Maura on her knees in rapt attention of her brother. There are also a lot of cheeks to kiss in this picture.

 

Cool Auntie knew exactly what to get Mikey.

Just add frame.

Missing Christmas at home was hard, but as you know from prior blogs, God gave me the grace and wonderful company to get through it. It was a tough, challenging time. Well, it turns out the challenge is not over-- not by half. 

As part of the giving spirit of the season, Andy and I decided to give each other something from the website "Fiverr" where people post the they will do X thing for $5. Well, about a week ago he brought his gift by. Walgreens had messed up the cropping, but he'd gotten me this picture that he had drawn on a beach in North Carolina. I stared at it, stunned.

Then I directed him to my photos where I had this picture drawn on a beach in North Carolina. We looked it up and, sure enough, we'd used the same person for our $5 gifts. In fact we'd commented right next to one another on the main page and didn't even notice.

It sounds crazy now, but I had a feeling at that moment that this was coming. Instead of it being a sign of affirmation of our relationship, I pictured the cosmic etch-a-sketch that is the ocean wiping up the sand on the shore, leaving it fresh and clean. Ready for the next proclamation to be thrown at it so that it could be casually erased again. 

You assume correctly: Andy and I are no longer together. I'm shocked. Hurt. Disappointed. And kinda stranded. The person that I came out here to date... he wasn't here. It's not all his fault by any means. I definitely wasn't myself since arriving here either. It's just that-- well, I didn't have anytime to get put together before... nevermind. Let's just say that neither one of us wanted to change. You all know me pretty well, I would say. Along with being a hopeless romantic, I'm old-school. If a man wants you in his life, he will show you by pursuing you. He didn't agree. It was equal parts. No more, no less (ahem, did I mentioned I moved 1,400 miles?)

I know a God who pursues us with reckless abandon and shows us Himself even when we to squeeze our eyes shut and hold our breathe and scream at the top of our lungs to try and tune Him out. And He waits. And then tries again. And nothing, NOTHING can separate us from His love. One of my favorite lines in Diary of  Mad Black Woman she says, "God still has the power to show you who is God." Does this really give me comfort? Yes, it does. Clinging to this is really what's kept me from truly unraveling. I'm too strong now and I know too much-- I still love who I am in Jesus more than who I am without Him. I get to ache, but I have to keep moving. I've learned infinitely more in the break-up then I even did in the relationship ("Every good relationship needs a good break-up", right Danny Sauer?).

Even will all that, Carrie Bradshaw said it better than I ever could.
(minus the suite in Paris...)

Thus begins my dilemma. I don't have any answers yet and am praying constantly. One day at a time, is what I feel God is telling me. Who knows? I might move back. I might pursue writing in New York. I might buy a villa in Tuscany. I might have Sophie become a model and follow her all over the world. For right now, though, I think this is a time for me to work. And snuggle with my favorite Fifi. She always know just what to do when I cry (ahem, maybe this blog will explain my Adele post...)

I just thought about it more and I don't think I am angry because now I know. I'm not definitely not regretting the move. I came to do what I set out to do-- and hey, the lessons aren't done yet. I don't think this is a secret, but I didn't really come here for Andy-- I came here for me. If that is selfish then I am guilty and perhaps that is what drove him away. I don't think I'll ever know.

And, hey, chin up. We lasted longer than a Kardashian Marriage.