Gold Diggin' Myself Outta This One

Normally, I take the day where I turn another year older and wiser to write a post about my goals and dreams and hopes. Nope, not this time. And not because I am goalless, dreamless and hopeless-- this time, I needed home décor help and it didn’t matter what day it was. (A special “thank you” to those who have checked Ross Stores out-of-town: Cathy in Redding, Shannon and Pat in Sonora, and Shawna in Turlock.) On Monday I looked in West Sac and at another store in Stockton. No go. I'm starting to get drapery discouraged. I'll have to expand my search... or just buy something else. *oh the horror*

This year has been a defining one for me, and I am living in the moment more than ever before. The future is really foggy and all I can see are precious few steps on the path in front of me. I am succumbing to what I have known-but-never-acknowledged: I am a relatively simple person who loves staying home. These past 2 months of working around my house have led to some very good quiet, meditative, reflective times. I’ve started journaling again and love having my healthy outlet back.

God has been using the absence of chaos to open my eyes to things I glossing over. I used to say flippantly, “there are no great men out there,” because I was struggling with dating. The truth is, that there are a lot of great men out there-- but they just might not be great for me. I recognize the difference now, and am really enjoying my friendships, while clinging to what I know to be good qualities in someone for me. Like in the last blog where I knew that the quiet guy at the wedding would never work because I'm not attracted to those that are shy because I consider myself the shy one. Hey, stop laughing.

When Martin was here, he invited me to a day in Santa Cruz with him. Thinking it would be another fun day to get out and see God's creation like the day in Yosemite, I accepted. I planned to hang out, hoping for a quiet day since the language barrier would get in the way. I'd had the Hunger Games downloaded on my phone for a couple weeks now and I'd love to lay in the sun and read it.

It was 11 a.m. and I was eating Pizza My Heart, when he asked me if I wanted to take a risk and try a long distance relationship with him. Choking on my Canadian bacon, I searched for a way to explain that it just wasn't a good fit. And then I had to reexplain every half hour when he brought it up, trying to get a good reason.

T: "I could never date a smoker."
M: "I'll quit! I'll do it for me, not you-- I don't have to smoke."

T: "You said that you were Catholic and I'm a Christian so there is a difference in religious beliefs."
M: "I will go to church more!"

T: "There is the *teeny* fact that you live around the world "
M: "I could visit every 12 weeks. If you wanted me too, I'll come back in November."

It just wasn't that easy. Sophie was my perfect secret weapon. The moment he asked for a photo, she jumped in when he got close. *Good girl* It's never easy to let someone else down and hurt feelings without ever wanting to. I should know-- I have been on both sides now (cue Joni Mitchell). But-- I am confident that he will find a smoking Catholic in Germany who will be perfect for him.

Some of the highs and lows from past week:

 *High* When Micky saw me on Sunday he said, "You got your hair done! You look like the Tawny that I used to know." Then he broke out in a Gotye song while I teared up at his compliment. I feel like the Tawny that I used to know, and I'm not just referring to hair.

*Low* I almost rear-ended someone on my birthday. It was raining for approximately 3 minutes so the roads were slick when the van stopped short in front of me. The rest of the day, I rejoiced that I didn't have an accident to deal with.

*High* On labor day, my cell phone rang and it was my Dad. My Mom calls me sometimes, but never my Dad. He said, "I was just thinking about you and wanted to see how you were." I'm doing well, thanks Dad. I'm well... and you're precious.

*You Decide* I’ve had a roommate for 53 days. I’m counting them like someone who counts the days until they can get out of jail. 

*High* Mallory is melting before my eyes. My wish for 32 is that this is HER year.

*High* My girlfriends met me at Chilis for dinner and I ate all the greasy, cheesy goodness I could get my hands on while enjoying them all so much. There are so many differences between them all, but they talk and laugh together like they are old friends. They came to celebrate with me, but I am the one who is honored to know these ladies who promote friendship and mommyhood and godliness and health.

*Low to High* After all the fun and parties, it was time to be an adult again. Diana, Jason and I had plans to go to Santa Barbara this past weekend for the AVP Volleyball Championships, where I had my heart set on seeing the Olympians that I'd just cheered for in London live in front of me. But our plans fell through 2 days before we were set to leave. And it was even harder because-- it was my decision. I had to choose between responsibility (leaving Sophie in capable hands) and going somewhere that I wanted to go. When I got the call on Thursday that my plans to leave Sophie were shaky, I was at work. I made it outside in time to call the hotel to eeccck out that I needed to cancel the reservation and  then I called Mom where I burst into tears. Not just crying, it was the body wracking sobs that come from being shocked as well as hurt. I can count on one hand the times this has happened. Being an adult sucks so badly sometimes. I was angry and wanted someone to blame. This was the only time I would get this chance to see these folks right after the Olympics, and it was gone. Di and Jason were disappointed as well, but they quickly made other plans with the now free weekend.

I took my cue from them that I could take this free weekend as a good thing. Reality didn't take long to surface: I didn't feel right leaving and chancing something happening to Sophie, ergo, I was happy to stay home and make sure she was ok. Plus now I had extra vacation funds so I put it all into housing projects. After changing my perspective (and praying a ton), I was shocked at how quickly peace and contentment came. I know what I have to do to fix that issues that I had with caretakers for Sophie, and I will take the steps to ensure that this doesn't happen again. I hope that everything is resolved before the family reunion or that trip is in jeopardy as well.

This shirt will just have to wait four more years. Cracks me up.

*High* On Friday there was a package in the mail-- Cathy had sent me Season 1 of Downton Abbey, which was the perfect weekend project ambiance. I finished them all by Monday night. Just in time-- Season 3 starts this month!

*Nostalgic* Last night I begrudgingly began the entire series of "The Wonder Years" because it was on Netflix and I had mild interest. I hadn't seen any episodes since I was a kid. Mick loved it so I thought it was a boy-thing. I'm 3 episodes in and it's excellently written. I now understand this show from the voice-over/adult point of view. I've already laughed out loud AND teared up. Yep, I'm hooked.

*Just plain weird* I shower in dirty spider water everyday. See the spider leg sticking out in the back middle by the water drop? The spider that made the shower head his home while it was under the sink in South Dakota is now dead in my showerhead, and I have no way to remove him. So, I take an extra minute before I get under the water, staring at the leg and willing myself to be brave enough to get under the water.

I'll be busy this weekend again: I chose a paint color for my bathroom, bought a shower curtain to recover a 3-screen divider, and am currently making my own very large wall clock. Now, if only I can get the brown paint stain out of my hands....